Save My Soul

Mouth Shut.

Our bodies are the petals of roses dried and pressed between the pages of an old heavy book. Once young, beautiful and supple, destined to be dry, hungry and disheveled. When the page has turned and the book has closed all we have left is a worn, faded and cracked silver goblet of dust that used to be memories.

Regretting regret.

I sometimes find myself daydreaming of what might have been. The way things might have turned out if I had done some things differently. I have heard people saying they have had no regrets in life. No regrets. Doesnt that strike you as a little odd? Can this be true, are there really people out there that genuinely have no regrets? I find this impossible.

It seems quite unnatural to have lived a life of no regret. To have lived a life without regret would mean that every decision you have ever made was the right one, that every action you ever take, wether it be thought out in depth or made on a whim, be the right one and have no negative consequence. Isn’t it in human nature to have made bad judgements, to make mistakes. I know it’s in mine. I’ve made my fair share, and I’m not proud of some of the bad judgements I’ve made but I live with them.

I have many regrets in life. I have made some stupid and rash decisions. In hindsight I know I should have handled some things differently. I should have told Olivia how I felt about her when I had the chance. I shouldn’t have been so scared of Charlotte getting too close to me. I should have kissed her while I had the chance. I never told my grandmother I loved her. I regret losing contact with some of the amazing people I met whilst traveling overseas. I regret that I’ve lived my life up until this point without baring enough of my soul to the people who care about me the most.

I have many regrets, but I don’t regret having regrets. I see them as the sticky notes stuck to my mind that read “must try harder” or “tried too hard” and “be a better person”.

My point is, I think it’s healthy to have regrets in life. We learn from our decisions. We change according to them.

If that’s the case for me, then how could regret ever be a bad thing?

Mixed messages..

will kill my hope.

Finding what we want…

We all are on a journey. Our journeys are personal crusades, searchings for want. We might find what we want in a piece of carrot cake, we might find it in a topless bar but one thing I think our eventual goal is, is sincere.

Sex and spirituality…

 to my ambitions

Too much to handle.

Emily, Kate, Abbey, Liv, Alice and Jess. These are the girls making my head and heart hurt. How could I have so many girls at once, its ridiculous. I love Abbey and Alice (to what extent I don’t know, but I do love them), I crush on Liv and Emily, Jess and Kate crush on me… I don’t deserve this, and nether do these girls.

I’m the architect of my own fuckedness.

So weeks have gone by since I even spoke to Alice. To be honest I kinda gave up on the whole connection we had, mainly out of laziness and partly because Abbey and I were slowly becoming close again. But the Saturday just gone I bumped into her in town and it was amazing, she was looking as beautiful as ever, and there was still a spark. I was actually excited to bump into her, how could I not be. What made things awkward was the fact that Abbey was there also and I had been slowly reconnecting with her over the last few weeks, and for her to put some faith into me and then see me with another girl that she knows I have had feelings for would have been a bit frustrating to say the least. To make things worse, Abbey saw me kissing Kate less then half an hour earlier, and if things can get even worse, she saw me about town the previous night kissing Liv. It’s safe to say I’ll never have a chance with her even though she’s the girl I care for the most.

Home sweet home..

got home lastnight from a two week trip away. Back to the real world.